The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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