Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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