It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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