i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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