All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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