i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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