This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
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Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
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I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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