shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
