Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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