I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
