I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
