apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
