well I can't set my house on fire every night
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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