i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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