I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
