I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
