Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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