i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I feel like a drive thru vagina
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
