Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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