He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
