Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
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Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
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Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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