Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
