Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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