someone get that fucking seahorse.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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