My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
