It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
