Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
