swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
