he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
