I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
