We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
it's like iHOP with fire
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
