forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
