Michael Bay diarrhea
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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