Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
