it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
