I skipped work to stalk him.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
