While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
