Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
