Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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