I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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