I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize