God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
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After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
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Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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