My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
