I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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