my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
