It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
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he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
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her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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