....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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