Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
