Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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