Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
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He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
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I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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