I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Randomize
