why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
