It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
