dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
