when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
