When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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