I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
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his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
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Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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