my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
